Pride Guide 2001

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

A-13

Many feel forced to fit into a gay or straight identity

by Megan T. Wilson

"Anne Heche is a lesbian betrayer," a friend told me one day.

I looked at her in amazement, hoping I had misheard. "But you're bisexual, too. How can you say that?" I asked her.

She waved away the comment. "I was just kidding," she said, "but I'm mostly lesbian, you know."

I changed the subject, but her words have stayed with me. "I'm mostly lesbian" is her way of saying that her bisexuality is tied more closely to the gay community than that of Anne Heche, who has received widespread criticism for leaving her high-profile lesbian relationship with Ellen DeGeneres— for a man.

Why are we so pressured to identify as "either/or" that we are willing to condemn other bisexuals because they choose lifestyles that are not "as gay" as ours?

I began looking for answers in the print media, trying to find articles written by other bisexuals about this issue. I searched for voices speaking about my experience and the

Bi the way...

by Megan T. Wilson

If you're looking for more information on bisexuality, these resources may help.

Community groups:

Bi Pride meets the first Friday of every month at 7 p.m. at the Akron Pride Center. For more info contact the center, 330-253-2220.

2BDetermined meets the first and third Friday of every month at 7:30 p.m. at the Cleveland Lesbian-Gay Center, 216-651-5428.

See the Gay People's Chronicle Resource Directory on the last pages for more information on bi-friendly groups in your area.

Web sites

www.bisexual.org Virtual community providing chat, personals and links to many resources and much information.

www.biresource.org Many resources not found anywhere else on the web, including books, music, videos and other merchandise.

www.biallmeans.org Resources on responsible non-monogamy, health, spirituality and youth issues, among oth-

ers.

www.binetusa.org The official web site of the Bisexual Network of the USA, a national organization representing several groups and individuals.

experience of many others. I found almost nothing.

It would seem from my research that we barely exist except as an afterthought, tagged on to "LGBT" like the leftover letter in alphabet soup. So I began speaking with others, asking them about their own experiences, trying to identify the "bisexual experience."

The main problem, I discovered, is that regardless of community, we still live in a world that likes clear-cut definitions. Bisexuals are subject to mistrust and fear from all sides because of their unwillingness or inability to fit that mold, choosing "both/ and" rather than "either/or."

"You're either straight or gay, you're either healthy or sick, you're either white or you're black, all of those things," says Katy Bishop, facilitator of 2BDetermined, a Cleveland bisexual support group. "Being a person who is label-less in a world that demands that you have one is a difficult experience."

Many bisexual people voice a frustration with being told so often that they must "choose" a label that doesn't fit them. Heidi,

bi.org A comprehensive list of links to resources for bisexual individuals around the world. Lots of international links.

www.bitheway.org Not run by an official organization, but the site is a lot of fun and chock-full of information and resources, if you can get past the blinking graphics.

www.lovethatworks.org The official website of the Institute for 21st Century Relationships, an academic and intellectual organization working for greater respect and legitimacy for all forms of relationship styles.

E-mail discussion groups

Some of these groups are very broad in their treatment of the issues; some are very specific to certain interests (bisexual pagans, bisexual married men, straight spouses, etc.). A comprehensive list with subscription information can be found on the Bi Resource Center's web page at www.biresource.org.

PRYSM

NOW OPEN!

One discussion list is specific to the Ohio area, for bi and bi-curious women only: the Ohio WOMBAT list (WOMyn of Beauty and Temptation). The web site seems to be temporarily out of commission, but some information can be found at http:// groups.yahoo.com/group/

Ohio Wombats.

a recent college graduate from Cleveland who asked that her last name not be used, says her personal experience is one of disappointment with people who think like this. "A psychiatrist asked me once what my

'You're treated by straight

people like you're gay, and

by the gay people like you're straight-but-not-really.'

sexuality was, and I said that I was bisexual. She said to me, 'Well, eventually, you have to choose. Eventually, you're going to be a lesbian, right?' I didn't know how to answer that. I thought it was strange that a professional...could be so ignorant and clueless about what it means to be bisexual."

Bisexuals, according to Fritz Klein, author of the book The Bisexual Option, are seen as a "disguised" group and are therefore reduced to silence. There is no real, identifiable “bisexual community," so bisexuals must remain at the fringes of both the gay and straight communities, says Klein. “They're not really a part of either one, and are mistrusted by both as a sort of 'spy.'

Says Heidi, "You're treated by straight people like you're gay, and by the gay people like you're straight-but-not-really. You're not as cool as a straight ally, so you're sort of floating there in a big gay limbo."

Bishop agrees. "I feel something like a welcomed, but estranged family member. I feel like... an anomaly, under-represented, silent."

Even for those who enjoy the freedom of dodging the "gay or straight" labels, there is a recurring theme of discomfort for bisexuals in the gay community.

"I went to a PRYSM [youth group] meeting when I was just coming out," says Bishop. "I was older, it was mostly teens. The facilitator warmly greeted me and said, 'It's so important that these young girls have an older lesbian to look up to.'

"""

"I was alienated and crushed. I felt so diminished by being assumed in a place where I expected people to get my stuff. It's

GAY PEOPLE'S

such a dangerous assumption . . . it has to be safe for all of us, or we just can't go there." "I didn't feel like I could call myself 'bisexual' and still be a real part of the movement," says Bishop. "But unfortunately, the truth was heavier than that." She says she has been approached many times by lesbians trying to "convert" her.

"I had a co-worker who was lesbian, who found out that I date women, and was really excited. We had this wonderful conversation, and then she said-lesbian to lesbian'I don't get these bisexuals. They want to have their cake and eat it too.' I said, 'Well, I'm bisexual.' It got silent, and then hostile. She tried to defend her point, giving me all these reasons why it wasn't okay to be bisexual."

Bishop says can relate to this type of reaction: "They try to talk me out of it. Like I never thought about the possibility that men are bad; that I must not get it, I don't see the light. That conversion stuff, it just doesn't feel good."

The idea of "betrayal" runs deep within the gay and lesbian community when it comes to romantic involvement with bisexuals. Many bisexuals speak of rejection by possible partners because of their orientation.

Where civil rights and visibility are concerned, bisexuals are feeling disconnected from the sexual-minority family.

Says Bishop, "I do feel a sense of community that includes me, but with some qualifiers. I feel sort of a genteel distrust; I'm having this whirling conversation with a lesbian woman, and she thinks we're sisters, in connected deep solidarity. Then I mention that I date boys, and the tone shifts, and suddenly we're coalition members, we're colleagues."

Heidi says that when she is around gay men and lesbians, she often refers to herself as lesbian "because it feels like your thoughts are more welcome, your opinions are more heeded. If you refer to yourself as bi among gay people-even among the most openminded gay people-there's a sentiment that 'you're not really us.' If you're somewhat straight, or mostly straight, then you're just considered straight, and there's no place for you."

Megan Wilson is a Cleveland freelance writer who chooses to love people rather than packages. She can be reached at mwilson52@hotmail.com.

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